I'm struggling with some things and I could really use some comments, opinions, thoughts, whatever, please.
I've known for some time that a close family member was going to pass. Still. Doesn't make it any easier. I asked Oliver to promise that he would be there for me. He did.
So last Saturday I went to hospice to say good bye. Was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. I won't go in to that. They passed this Tuesday.
Wednesday night Oliver tells me that he is very ill and is sorry but won't be able to make the service on Thursday.
I literally cannot explain how I felt about this. Between the death of said person and the feeling of loss and support from Oliver I was/am devastated. This person that passed was very close to me and I really needed someone to be there for me. Oliver is my only person. I do not have anyone else. Yes, I do have family, but they needed their own support.
Since the second Oliver told me that he was unable to be there for me, I've detached myself. I have this wall that I use. It's gone back up. I don't think it's full force cement, but close. I'm angry.
Here is what I need help with.
Because Oliver is my Dom/Daddy and we are in this type of relationship (as well as dating or whatever you call it in the lifestyle), should I be feeling this way? Should I be allowed to feel this way? I have dropped all of my protocols and rules because I am hurt. Should I be doing this? I know it's wrong and I know that I am reacting to my pain to him not being there for me. Am I topping? I'm making decisions on my own. Am I just trying to hurt him back? I don't know what I'm doing. In our type of relationship, what would have been the proper protocol here? Should Oliver have sent something or someone in his place? I need to know what should have been done and I need to know what I should be doing. I am in no way saying what I am doing to him right now is right. I'm reacting to my pain. I know Oliver was sick because he would not intentionally hurt me like this. So please, if you comment (which I hope you do), don't say anything harsh about him. Sick is sick. Nothing you can do. I just really want to know what I should be doing right now. How should I be acting? Should I be punished?
I need to know when your Dom hurts you so bad, how do you react? What do you do?
I've still yet to see him because he is still ill. Perhaps still because I'm dealing with the loss and still have no comfort I'm still hurt and angry.
Please help....
I've known for some time that a close family member was going to pass. Still. Doesn't make it any easier. I asked Oliver to promise that he would be there for me. He did.
So last Saturday I went to hospice to say good bye. Was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. I won't go in to that. They passed this Tuesday.
Wednesday night Oliver tells me that he is very ill and is sorry but won't be able to make the service on Thursday.
I literally cannot explain how I felt about this. Between the death of said person and the feeling of loss and support from Oliver I was/am devastated. This person that passed was very close to me and I really needed someone to be there for me. Oliver is my only person. I do not have anyone else. Yes, I do have family, but they needed their own support.
Since the second Oliver told me that he was unable to be there for me, I've detached myself. I have this wall that I use. It's gone back up. I don't think it's full force cement, but close. I'm angry.
Here is what I need help with.
Because Oliver is my Dom/Daddy and we are in this type of relationship (as well as dating or whatever you call it in the lifestyle), should I be feeling this way? Should I be allowed to feel this way? I have dropped all of my protocols and rules because I am hurt. Should I be doing this? I know it's wrong and I know that I am reacting to my pain to him not being there for me. Am I topping? I'm making decisions on my own. Am I just trying to hurt him back? I don't know what I'm doing. In our type of relationship, what would have been the proper protocol here? Should Oliver have sent something or someone in his place? I need to know what should have been done and I need to know what I should be doing. I am in no way saying what I am doing to him right now is right. I'm reacting to my pain. I know Oliver was sick because he would not intentionally hurt me like this. So please, if you comment (which I hope you do), don't say anything harsh about him. Sick is sick. Nothing you can do. I just really want to know what I should be doing right now. How should I be acting? Should I be punished?
I need to know when your Dom hurts you so bad, how do you react? What do you do?
I've still yet to see him because he is still ill. Perhaps still because I'm dealing with the loss and still have no comfort I'm still hurt and angry.
Please help....
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