8.26.16 Yummy! :)

8.24.16 Oops, look what happened...

I was laying around waiting for Daddy and look what happened.............

WEAR SUNSCREEN!!!

8.23.16 Some pic fun and update

Alright, boring stuff first ;) ha.

Oliver is feeling much better. Very happy about that. I am still suffering the loss of my close family member, but I know that each day will get better, and I know that while some days I may not be able to see Oliver in person, I know that I can always reach out to Him when I need to. I learned that while He may have not been able to be with me in this unforeseen and horrible circumstance, I should have realized and remembered that He is still supporting me and protecting me.

I want to thank those people that reached out to me in my time of need and understanding about what Oliver and I had gone through during that time. It was good to know that although I should have reacted better, it was still okay to feel as I did.

For those of you that reached out to me and sent your condolences, I want you to know that I truly and sincerely appreciate it. Thank you..............................from the bottom of my butt because it's bigger than my heart - ha, LOL!

So, the pics.....

Oliver and I did have some fun a few weeks ago and I haven't been able or around to post, clearly. So here you go.............................................

8.20.16 I need your help

I'm struggling with some things and I could really use some comments, opinions, thoughts, whatever, please.

I've known for some time that a close family member was going to pass. Still. Doesn't make it any easier. I asked Oliver to promise that he would be there for me. He did.

So last Saturday I went to hospice to say good bye. Was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. I won't go in to that. They passed this Tuesday.

Wednesday night Oliver tells me that he is very ill and is sorry but won't be able to make the service on Thursday.

I literally cannot explain how I felt about this. Between the death of said person and the feeling of loss and support from Oliver I was/am devastated. This person that passed was very close to me and I really needed someone to be there for me. Oliver is my only person. I do not have anyone else. Yes, I do have family, but they needed their own support.

Since the second Oliver told me that he was unable to be there for me, I've detached myself. I have this wall that I use. It's gone back up. I don't think it's full force cement, but close. I'm angry.

Here is what I need help with.

Because Oliver is my Dom/Daddy and we are in this type of relationship (as well as dating or whatever you call it in the lifestyle), should I be feeling this way? Should I be allowed to feel this way? I have dropped all of my protocols and rules because I am hurt. Should I be doing this? I know it's wrong and I know that I am reacting to my pain to him not being there for me. Am I topping? I'm making decisions on my own. Am I just trying to hurt him back? I don't know what I'm doing. In our type of relationship, what would have been the proper protocol here? Should Oliver have sent something or someone in his place? I need to know what should have been done and I need to know what I should be doing. I am in no way saying what I am doing to him right now is right. I'm reacting to my pain. I know Oliver was sick because he would not intentionally hurt me like this. So please, if you comment (which I hope you do), don't say anything harsh about him. Sick is sick. Nothing you can do. I just really want to know what I should be doing right now. How should I be acting? Should I be punished?

I need to know when your Dom hurts you so bad, how do you react? What do you do?

I've still yet to see him because he is still ill. Perhaps still because I'm dealing with the loss and still have no comfort I'm still hurt and angry.

Please help....

8.9.16 A lesson learned with pics (pervs ;))

It's taken me several days to figure out what I was going to say here. Big things happened. I learned a hard lesson this weekend. My mind was not my own...........

I was really looking forward to this past weekend. I was eager, and very much so, for playing. Oliver had made a bunch of new purchases I was excited about seeing. Our toy basket is becoming very full. May need to go into a chest of some sort at this point. Maybe something even with a lock on it? Anyway....

We had plans to go out late in the evening on Friday night so we had, instead, got an early start before going out. We usually play when we come back home.

I was just wearing a robe as I had just gotten out of the shower. I was walking towards the bathroom to do my hair when Oliver stopped me. He faced me and put His big arms around me and held me. We stayed there for a few moments. He then turned me around and removed my robe. I loved the feeling of the soft robe leaving my shoulders and then the feel of His hands on my skin. He inspected my body as He always does.

This time when I bent over He made me stay there longer than usual. He told me He was finally going to mark my ass. I felt something on my backside, but it was something smooth and not what I expected to feel. Then I heard Him take pictures.

He stood me up and showed me what He did. With a black body crayon He wrote "Daddy's Fuck Toy". I was marked.

Right now I can't tell you exactly what I was feeling at this point because of everything that happened after. I only remember some of the things that were done to me and a feeling of numbness.

I was put down on my stomach over an ottoman. My ass and pussy bare to Him. I started feeling my ass being hit with several things. I remember the flogger and I think the crop. His hand, and then the feeling of what I thought was the ball. It was painful, but I kept going. At some point my fox tail was inserted into my ass. I was being spanked again with the same. His hand and what I thought was the ball. I remember Him saying to me that He wouldn't have to spank me so much if only my ass would stay red (aka Buns of Steel). As He pulled on the tail, He told me to hold it in. Fight back against the pull. I don't recall being so good at it. But again, my memory of the events are a little fuzzy.

After He removed the tail, the hook was inserted into my ass and connected to my collar. At this point I was unable to move at all. If I moved my head a certain way, I could feel the hook in my ass. The spanking then continued....................and then the wand was added. Oliver edged me several times before I was allowed to cum. When I came, and I came very strong several times, I remember putting my head up a bit and feeling the hook in my ass.  This also put pressure on my collar chocking me a bit.

Here is where the lesson came in...

I laid there "recovering". I heard Oliver tell me to get up and come to Him. When I turned I saw He was sitting with His pants undone. I crawled over to Him and literally, suddenly lost it. I began crying and couldn't go any further. My immediate feeling is that I needed to be cared for. To be held. As soon as I told Oliver that, He pulled me up, sat me down next to Him and held me.

I do not know what happened. I did not know why I felt this way.

Here is what happened over the next few hours and over the weekend. I was an emotional wreck. I was scared and insecure. Let me say I was NOT scared of Oliver. I was scared of Him leaving me and I was scared of where this would lead our dynamic. We both felt something changed. I asked what happened.

You see I've not had good relationships with men. That's a whole other story. But Oliver feels that I'm sort of like an onion (Shrek reference). He feels He needs to break away layers of me in order to get the FULL me. He feels that one of my layers had been broken away. That I released part of the past.

During this session I will tell you that I did not want to call my safe word because I wanted to make sure that He was proud of me, that I could take all that was given to me. There were times that I almost used it. Also during this time Oliver didn't check on me as often as He should have.

There lies the lesson. While Oliver does want to break away my layers, we should have known better than to continue like we did. I should have used my safe word, and He should have checked on me more often.

The drop I felt over the next few days was horrible. Oliver and I spoke and He took care of me, but I was a real mess. All I could have done to avoid this was to use my safe word. Please please please use your safe word. Please never push yourself! Don't take it upon yourself to push. Leave that in the hands of your Owner! Lesson learned...............................

PS-Btw.......it wasn't the ball that was used on my ass. It was the cane. AND my ass WAS finally marked, but not by the cane. It was His hand. Buns of Steel has lost.....................

8.3.16 SO horny

Just sitting at my desk, at work, and all of a sudden I get this overwhelming sensation that I am crazy horny. Like a rush. And bad.

Like I want to be blindfolded and tied down on a very large table in the middle of a room. Like I just want to be fucked and used.

It's that bad.

Oliver will be over later. I know He will ease some of my angst.

I know I will get taken care of this weekend (and good). REALLY can't wait.

Oliver also bought something called a labia-spreader. Anyone ever try one? What do you think? Like it? I like the thought of being spread out for Him.

Eeep, I need to stop blogging. My hornyness is getting worse!!!!!

8.2.16 Love and past relationships

I've been having some thoughts lately on relationships that I've had in the past compared to what I have now with Oliver.

I find it very interesting and amazing that we have had absolutely no issues or drama. To be honest, I'm a bit shocked. I'm just well.....satisfied, content, happy. I've never had that feeling before. In the past I've always been worried about being left, cheated on or making sure the person I was with was happy enough with me. It was stressful. I made it stressful. This relationship with Oliver is completely different. I really do feel relaxed, like ahhhhhh. Like we have nothing going on but our lives and what we want. It's nothing like I've ever had. I don't feel like I have to worry about whether or not He wants me or likes me enough. I don't have to create anything to make sure that He feels that way. It's awesome. I'm very happy and very lucky oxoxo.

So when Oliver was over last night (again being taken btw - loved it as usual!!!!) we had some talk about me not capitalizing certain words out of respect for Him. I hadn't been doing it because I felt that certain words weren't "earned". I made a huge mistake. I was comparing my relationship with John to what I have with Oliver. Wrong! They are such totally 2 different relationships. I can't, and have to stop, doing that. There is only one similarity and that is how the two of these men care for me. That's it. I should have given Oliver the respect already. How and when do other subs decide on advanced respect? Is that something I was doing wrong? Like topping? I know that every BDSM relationship is different and each makes work what is best for them, but maybe someone has a comment????

Anywho....happy August! I know this weekend Oliver told me more pics to come so keep an eye out! ox